brain dump

I am a contradiction. I can tell myself, and others one thing and then turn around and lie about it. I am both so far over things and yet still late at night I have memories play over and over in my head. I can make them stop sometimes, make them disappear. Then there are times I am screaming inside telling myself to stop it, to stop living that moment over and over again. Sometimes my head tells me I have more time, that time is not passing that I will be waiting consistently waiting for the hands to change. Other times I can’t keep the clock from moving forward no matter how much I beg and plead, nothing can stop time.

I am both so far over it, and yet still never really. I think that helps make me such a compassionate person, but it also makes me crazy. I never seem to want to be happy for what I have, for what is safe. I know in my heart that I am going in the right direction, the well beaten path guiding my feet. Yet my brain tells me to change where I am going, that the path I want isn’t really there. I can see it right under my feet. I can feel it. But I still deny the truth.

My heart consistently seems to reminisce on things I miss, flirty days at bus stops, running around laughing back stage, starlight night overlooking a lake, a rose for Valentine’s Day, or a necklace. A brief light first kiss, a more hungry, physical kiss, one of someone who loves me, another from someone with too much practice. The sound of someone breathing beside you. The glow of blue Christmas lights. Asking for permission, to touch, to kiss. To act as if it never happened, or to say no to let it start again. Consistently think I am happy, and that people could be happy for me. Or are they just trying not to break me.

Hearing things that scare me, that make me doubt what I am doing. Words that just make me turn to jello, make me want to turn back and run. The past doesn’t work like that. I can run through the empty halls, through the woods, through the parks, and nothing would be there. Emptiness, what made my memories are the people. How someone sounded, how they talked, how they laughed, or how they screamed. On how I wished some of them would have yelled and screamed. Or told the truth, just straight with me. Others I wished had stayed quiet, out of reach to my curious ears. How something long since past can hit me in the present so hard, it shakes my whole being causing the present to fade away, or worse disappear in a sudden jolt.

I tell myself how lucky I am, that there are things that could be worse. Yet tears, fears and anxiety creep up and whisper horrible things. How I am losing people, I am becoming alone. Sure I may not see it now, but it is happening and I am demanding so much of the people I want to hold close. Am I ruining them myself, I find good and wonderful people and introduce them to one and other and then I am gone, I am never in on the jokes, or the good news, hell not even the bad. I haven’t told anyone yet, you are the first becomes I was meaning on telling you I just didn’t know when, or worse oh you found out, well I guess I should explain.

Some people look forward to the hopes and dreams of life ahead. I have those too, I want a family, a job teaching art, a house I can do whatever I want to. I am though, stuck as my high school self, tidbits of college jump in to add brightness, but most of the time I shut it out. I don’t want to do it. I just want it all to stop I want to hide away for no one to see. Then see who is the first to find me. I would love to know who would be the first to find me. To find me. I want someone to find me, please, please. I am trapped I don’t know where or what, or who I am anymore. I am just keeping it up so I don’t have to announce I am gone. Can anyone see it, does anyone see it. Hello. Hello. Help me. I want to help me, I know she is there but a search party looking for oneself is redundant. She flitters in and out of my peripheral vision, and when I finally catch her head on one face looking into another. There is no recognition. I know it is me because a mirror shows a reflection. Something mimicked back. It is sometimes so bad, I physically can’t remember. I don’t know if it is the left or right side of my face that has the moles.

I look over pictures trying to see what someone on the outside sees, and maybe be that person. I am a role model, someone who would never imagine that I have always had problems. It was one of those you had to be there kind of lifestyle. But hey isn’t that everybody. Isn’t everybody trying to find away to get to be some place that what they are, is what they were not before. Humans are always trying to better themselves, no matter if they are good enough. Good enough, who judges that? Do your superiors, our peers mayhaps, or yourself, hell it might be no one.

What do I have to show for myself? I lie in bed at god awful early or late next to someone I love so very much, smiling at how he breathes, the way his face looks the warmth from his body into my own. And yet I still go out and look at my pat trying to make sure it is there. And notice changes I never knew happened. Going back to ex friends, or just exs’s, deep into the recourses I have. And just stay in awe, that I should be happy, why torment myself, why tell myself I will never see them again because I said I didn’t want to. But deep inside wanting to run into them just to have them be the same people, or that they are now so pathetic that I had good enough reason to never want to see them again.

I just want to be found, I just want to rest, I just want to be okay. Is it really that hard to make these deals with my mind?

so....

Yea so I am real lazy and highly doubt people wait on baited breathe to find out what actually happened this summer, if you do please comment about a specific event. other than that I am going to just start from right now, and really do promise to do a better job of posting. and now I am going to use this a little bit and use this to get my dnd image XD  yup total nerd but I think I can deal, and I actually wasn't going to start but after sitting through part of the story I wanted to join the party. plus I drew in the DM by talking of that if I were to play I could play just as a reoccurring NPC, she asked about who my character would be, so naturally I picked Kytti. she was impressed and wanted to work her into the story. it also helps I started drawing her NPC's from the game I watched >^^< so that I am looking forward to soon I hope. More on  stuff at FSU laters I am sleepy... cleaning a room is hard @.@

.... wow I am special

NO I did not die, mearly was held prisoner to summer, so many things I did and so much I'd have to write, more importantly remember. I will try an dupdate all that has happened since my family vacation but until then I have to pack to go up to the frozen north. at school. which I might just give myself a actual update day for this. It might help me

Family Vacation

So I am on the road for a family(ish minus the older brothers) we are beaching it up in North Carolina, why not really sure to be quite honest, I'd prefer to hit OC, but meh it is quality time. The hours in the van went by quickly when I was watching movies, courtesy of my wonderful laptop. which eased the pain of all us kids in the back. When we did your road trip pit stop in a KOA, I found that they had free waffles, good ones too, and come one who doesn't like free waffles. but after that We finally got to our destination. which meant BEACH TIME!! Kytti floated in da ocean :3 all in all a good day, and this is only day one I can't wait to see what my parents have planned, I heard rumors of seeing if we could go ride horses or go to an amusement park ~squee~

So I'm epic

Yes well so I didn't post in awhile well it ain't my fault I don't like to right and lack interwebz half the time. But yea I am epic because of awesome campout, watching my friends graduate, and then not one but two sleepovers.  So darkon story goes a little like this: ~inhales giant breath~ 

Well what happened was I went through a mod one time and getting pretty much all the way through, but unfortunately died. So on my second time in the mod; earlier Snuege had set 13 poisons in the mod. Well he is level 42; no way I could detect his potions, so I and Schulman in the front got the brunt of them. So first I get the key in the lock and get paralyzed. Thankfully we had a ranger with cure poison. so I go in trying to detect poisons but fail because of my low level, so me and Schulman get agony 20min, and our ranger was paralyzed, so we roll around for 10 minutes screaming, while nurgle and the npc's are thoroughly enjoying it finally we are cured, then next I get a hallucinate, so I go crazy, and when gutsmangle tries to stop me from running around, he places me on an incinerator plate. So I die. And then I watch them use a spear to set of traps. They get to the box and try to use holy water to put it out. Didn’t work. So they used to swords to lift the lid that sent Schulman into 10 min nausea. Which after it was over the elder said the fire could be out because nothing would be on fire after being vomited that long. He beats the small lock box open. And then is killed with instant death. So they get the cloth the gorgons come to life and kill everyone but gutsmangle is trapped in a force field that won’t drop. After 5 minutes of slashing at the field, the npc made it a pillar of fire and he died, but because of great roll play, we got to keep the fabric. ~exhales~

there are other things at the campout that was epic, but that was a highlight. Then of course I went to graduation and cheered on my younger friends as they walked across the stage. Afterward people came up and hugs were exchanged. I had never realized how many people I actually knew until I had to stop every few seconds to get a hug from a graduate. Needless to say the next day I spent it at skully's where the next day I helped celebrate Maddy's 2nd birthday. Oh how things have changed since the last time I was at her party. I cut that party short to go to a sleepover with a group of friends we like to call the happy circle. It was so much fun we watched Miyasaki movies, ate ice cream and acted like middle school girls, except had adult topics XD but then I was prepping for the real event my lovely skully's Birthday party >^^< the theme was my little pony, so in that honor I got her a giant plushie and made a pair of jeans for it( it took until yes in the morning to get it to work) and a cape ( because I spent a shit ton of time trying to figure it out but I gave up) People signed the pony's pants just like we do with the real skully pants >^^< all and all one of the best parties ever. Plus the party plus group (people who crash there afterwards because of lack of transport/ close friends to skully/ VIP's/ lazy faces :P) were up until 2 or later with fun talk, refreshments and other stuffs >^^<. All and all I have been good. Maybe with the exception of the blood drive that they decided it would be fun to yank a needle around in my arm until I cried. ><

been awhile eh?

So let’s see I last was talking about the hectic weekend of clubbing, Prom, and Darkon. After that epic weekend I passed out for a day then I elder sat my nana some. And one of the days I hung out at Annapolis mall with my bro and some friends. I especially our stop in hot topic, where I picked up a captain hammer t-shirt. Than I was off to go camping for Memorial Day weekend. Friday we took out a boat and cruised around the Patuxent River. I even got to drive a little bit. Saturday we went to the pool and my friend Laura taught me how to play backgammon. Then there was a concert.... it really wasn't that great....  I wish Great Train Robbery would come back :/ then Sunday there was epic BBQ, I even help make my dad's epic pulled pork, even though I myself don't like BBQ. It was a kind of going away party for my brother, since in about 3 days he will be going to Florida :( so it was his mom, step dad, and grandma, our dad, my mom, him, me, out 5 other brothers, Laura, and Kelsey (a friend of mine and my bro's) it was a day well spent with pooling, ladder ball, hula hooping, shinai fighting, and good food and conversation. And then on Monday I got to chill with some of my other homie’s. And then I went back in time, to colonial Williamsburg for 3 days with my friend, Bonnie, where things were so much fun. I got to see what it was like to enlist in the militia, watch tons of reenactments. And went on a pirate ghost walk. Oh and got to wear my hammer shirt where a shoppe keeper recognized it. And then I found a pony and while we sang bad horse :P and now I am getting ready for a Darkon campout >^^< It is going to be sweet.

Ah the smelll of home.

Yes I am back home after a suprise pick up that included my eldest brother, whom I hadn't seen for a while and is going to move to florida soon :/ and then spent saturday with him and my parents packing the van and catching up. ah yes. Oh the stories we shared around the table. some of which are old but I had never heard. So yea just wanted to say I am back and that HOLY SHIT MY ROOM IS A STORAGE ROOM!!! -______-llll ~le sigh~ oh welll I will move back in soon. after we take all the stuff out. Next point in the plans: Attending prom with my friends, and darkon, and if I feel really up to lack of sleep on friday do N-CODE. It would be nice. maybe if I don't die :D